I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
