you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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