I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
