:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
