overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
