why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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