Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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