Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
