I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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