Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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