guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize