My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
