i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
