Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
