ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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