Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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