thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
