I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize