in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
