just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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