We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
