Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
