The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
