Only a mothe r could love this liver
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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