I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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