ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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