i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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