you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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