the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
