Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
