At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
