just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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