she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
