i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
