I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
