8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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