Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
