she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
