maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
