Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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