The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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