Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
