For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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