I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
