u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My penis needs a shock collar
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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