Redeem this text for a blowjob
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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