the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
