Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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