My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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