well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
