did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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