i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
