I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
