it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
