he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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