When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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