Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize