i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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